Daddy, daddy, daddy!!

I hear her sweet voice this morning as I run. 

I am reminded of last summer and all the alone time I had. 

Alone, on an airplane to visit with dear friends... friends who held me tightly as I traveled the amazing and ultimately heartbreaking journey of 21 months with a son... baby A. The son we lost. 

Alone together on a beautiful weekend getaway we didn't want.

Alone all summer long-the summer specifically designed to be spent constantly with my sweet boy. 

That was last summer. 

This morning it occurred to me that this summer with our precious baby girl (who for sure thinks she is a big girl already:) has been everything I wished for and more. She and I have spent countless hours in the sun, and reading and playing with friends.

My house is not clean bc I only do anything alone during the 3 hours or so per day that she naps.

We have asked for a baby-sitter twice because we get 24/7 quality time with her and so it's ok to want a night out as well. 

I brought her with me to browse the new kiddie resale shop that broke my heart last summer. They had opened and I spent several hours browsing and dreaming and then crying bc I had no reason to buy anything. Yesterday I barely made it 30 minutes due to chasing her from one item to the next, and we left the store (which was having a huge sale) with two tiny items. 😍😱  Because, it was time to go. You don't browse for hours with a 21 month old in tow. 

I am so thankful. 

Thankful to my daddy who made my husband a daddy again. 

Thankful to my daddy for giving me another chance at a summer with a 21 month old sweet baby who calls me, "Mommy." 

💓

Un Done

This weekend I had a long talk with my mentor and friend, Brenda. I shared the disappointment and fear of this past week and the hope for next week.
This time will be better.
We will have a good day in court and this trial can only go in our favor.
We have fostered Little Ladybug 6 months and it's time to work on adopting her.
This is the next step.

It will be good. 

But, all is not well. Money is always an issue and right now work is too. I gave 10 years of complete dedication and countless unaccounted and unpaid hours to the hundreds of children I impacted and taught. 

Now I just want to be able to give a little extra time to our sweet baby girl when she needs me. If she's sick I can't and don't want to- find a friend or neighbor to watch her so I can go to work. Every once in a while I'd like to be able to take a day to spend with her that's not medical or court related.... 

but

I have a new supervisor who has no idea about the 10 years. He doesn't 'get' the dilemmas of a working mommy and he definitely doesn't know how to relate to my particular situation. 

so I am wondering...

Maybe I need to figure out how to be done. 

Done taking care of other people's children and focus on the gift(S) God has given me. He told me to love them and raise them up in the way they should go. 
That's my number one job right now. 

Regardless of how things work out, I'm so thankful.
Thankful that my dreams of parenthood finally came true.
Thankful for a husband who's also an incredible daddy.
Thankful for a baby girl who's absolutely perfect.
Thankful for a nice house, dependable cars, supportive family, a fit body, great church... so much.
So thankful. 
Most of all. I'm thankful for the Holy Spirit who lives inside of me.
The same one who raised Jesus from the dead.
The one who always provides for my needs and gives me good gifts.
The same one who is a promise keeper, dream giver, unconditional lover of my true self-the real me. 

I am undone.
I am happy. 

Faith

A beautiful friend on a beautiful run.

My mother and my daughter

She is certainly a princess!

The man who brings me joy... and so much more. 

I can't talk about the joy of parenthood without feeling the suffering of loss. Yet, in the bitterness God has brought sweet Joy. Healing? Maybe not yet... But, I know it is coming. I have FAITH.

I am so delighted to be the mommy of this beauty. She is strong, independent, smart, stunningly gorgeous, adorable and hilarious. I could NOT be more thankful. 

My head is full of the positive voices my Father has sent my way over the years. As I went for an hour run this morning I heard them.  

"Thank you God for strong healthy bodies and legs that can run." ~Adrienne (one of my closest friends and earliest running buddies)                                           "What's said on a run..." ~Lindy (the running buddy I'm so lucky to have found-almost a decade of running conversations later... she's the kind of friend I'm so proud to have as a personal and professional influence)                                                      "I didn't know I could, then I just did it. I ran 10 miles this morning. I think I'll run a marathon." ~Sue (the friend who I ran with, but never dreamed I could catch up to. The friend who put up with the immature, annoying stages of me and is still my friend today.)                                   "How do you two know each other?"   "Well, there was this crazy phone call with a random connection... and a few hours of conversation later, over a decade of friendship and hundreds of miles between us" ~Jen (the one I'll always connect with) 

"Let's train for a marathon. We'll do one mile each day this week." ~Brooke (the one I couldn't believe would risk being my friend even when it was hard. The one who challenged me and supported me through the first decade of my career. The first colleague who became my bestie. 

Whenever I am tempted to give up or quit I remember Blair (the one who started running 3 years ago and hasn't looked back. Although the going hasn't always been smooth, although she often feels like quitting, she never does. Even when she is often alone, she is still a runner. Even though she prefers to do it in community. She finds the strength and she's beautiful.) 

"You are going to be ok. We are going to be ok. God has got you. I'm here for you. You are beautiful. I love you. " ~Jonathan (the one who always fights for me)

"While you wait, stay busy doing the right thing."~My Mother

Every moment may she know that she is loved. 

 I pray that my daughter surrounds herself with positive voices. In silence may she hear whispers of courage and peace. In turmoil may she know that her FATHER is always present. 

Yesterday we got the call we have been waiting on since February. CPS has the paperwork ready for us to come review, sign and then we can take the final steps of adoption. The wait is nearly over. Our daughter will soon be named and official! 

Today, I am very thankful.