I wrote this on May 27:
Being a foster parent when all you want is to be an adoptive parent...
It is excruciating.
I am trying to figure out which way is up and how to face each moment of sadness... But, Jonathan and I are finding comfort together and we have two hopes. 1. We could get him back. The Casa worker and our attorney are still keeping tabs on him. If something happens to show how untrustworthy the family is, they will know and we are still interveners so we would get him back...
2. He will be ok and we will adopt another baby somehow...
Either way, we know God is protecting him and we take lots of comfort in that. We also know that giving him almost two years of our love was worth it. For him and for us. The first two years of a child's life are supposed to form their personality. His birth family are low-class, depressed and satanic. We know that God rescued him from that and with us he was the happiest, most bonded and secure baby I've ever met.
For us-we know more than ever before that we were meant to be parents. We will probably say yes to another cps baby. We love our agency. (They gave us incredible support even when cps turned on us) We know what to hold out for (a good attorney ad Litem, no family visitation, etc...).
I fear that I will never see A again.
I fear that we will have to wait for a long time before being given another baby.
I fear never again experiencing the incredible joy that parenting brings to us.
But I trust God. He is loving. He is powerful and he has good things in store for us...
